Monday, April 15, 2013

Issue #50 -- April 2013

Nice Job if You Can Get It 
By Paul Greenberg 

For every job opening there are 6.3 applicants nationwide. McDonalds hired 62,000, turning away an additional 938,000 applicants for part-time, minimum wage jobs.

So David Evans, at thirty-five years old, felt himself lucky when Diamond Entertainment hired him as an account representative. He didn’t remember applying for the job, so he went back to the internet to dig up the ad, which said they were looking for: “motivated people who are able to work on their own, without supervision, who are able to stand on their feet for long periods of time, who don’t have a problem with extreme temperatures both hot and cold…”

Sounds good to me, he thought.

The next day David drove to the offices of Diamond Entertainment, a small industrial park off Highway 114. He was greeted by a gum-chewing, blue-haired woman of indistinguishable age who pointed him to the one metal folding chair they had in the reception area.

When Mr. Simons was ready for him, David entered his office, and was immediately handed a giant bunny head.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“That’s the job.”

“Exactly, what is the job again?”

“You’re the mascot for Honey Bunny Donuts. You’re one of many, actually. You’ll be working at the Peabody location.”

“Uh huh…”

“David, you accepted this job and I expect that you’ll do the job competently. Do you know how many people applied for this position? Hundreds. That’s how many.”

“Okay, I get it. What do I do?

“You’ll need to see the manager of the store and sign a time sheet when you start and end your shift. You can take one, forty-five minute break. Your shift is ten to four. The rest of the costume is in the box. Bring it back in the same condition that it’s in now. You get any jelly donut on it, you had better get it cleaned before you bring it back. You have the same schedule the rest of the week. Questions? Good luck. Be animated, have fun and wave.”

David drove over to his assigned Honey Bunny location, where he introduced himself to the manager and signed in, as instructed. He tried to delay his entrance into the world of entertainment by ordering a hot coffee and chatting up Juanita and Carla, the girls behind the counter.

As David headed into the bathroom to get changed, he bumped into the maintenance kid, Jackie. Jackie was a twenty-something entrepreneur who offered to sell David an assortment of illicit drugs not limited to weed, coke, meth, Viagra, Oxy, in any combination he wanted. Cheap.

Always looking to make a new friend and impress the young girls, David replied, “No thanks. Who are you again? Jackie the Jack Off? Do me a favor for the duration of my stay here. Keep outta my fuckin’ face, okay?”

“It’s cool, old man. I’m just trying to do you a solid,” said Jackie, as he went back to his mop and bucket.

David turned, winked at the girls and took his costume into the bathroom to get dressed.

“I’ll show that old fuck, stay outta my fuckin’ face, motherfucka,” Jackie mumbled as he crushed three blue Viagra pills in his hand and dropped them into David’s hot coffee, still sitting on the counter.

David came out of the bathroom fully dressed and did a “TA-DA” kind of thing, much to the merriment of the people lining up for their morning extra-large coffee with extra-extra and the glazed bear claw on the side. After the roar of the crowd subsided, he took off his head and asked the girls. “What do you think?” They all agreed he was so cute and so awesome and would so be the rage of the highway, whatever. He had a moment of ennui and finished his coffee before donning the mask and heading out to the side of the road.

Well, here I am, he thought. I’m working. I’m making ten bucks an hour in a bunny suit, and I may as well make the best of it.

It didn’t take him long before he got into the swing of things. But cheering himself on and waving soon turned into taunting and swearing at the cars passing him by and cursing himself for taking the stupid job to begin with.

“Hey, you stupid motherfuckers, look at me, I’m the asshole bunny.”

To his amazement, people, and girls in particular, started to wave back at him. Maybe this gig will get me laid, he thought.

“Yeah baby, show me your tits. You know what they say about rabbits, baby.”

The prospect of getting some ass started one fantasy after another and the next thing David knew, he was starting to get hard. Like, really hard. Like, sixteen-year-old, rock fucking hard. He started pushing his dick around trying to hide it, twisting within his costume, this way and that. But even with a big bunny paw in front of his crotch there was no mistaking his tent pole in the tight bunny costume, much to the delight of the oncoming cars.

“Hey, you sick bastard.”

“Fucking pervert.”

“You big furry freak.”

“Bunny’s got a boner.”

Observations tossed his way were soon followed by cans of beer, burgers, fries and bags of trash.

As this was happening, three Spanish guys pulled up to the drive-in window, noticed the action, and came over to see what was going on with the Honey Bunny.

“Hey man, I always thought that the Honey Bunny was a cheeek.”

“I think this Honey Bunny has a hard-on, man”

And with that, they proceeded to kick the shit out of David.

Juanita and Carla watched in astonishment from the restaurant, and Jackie laughed until he cried as the three Spanish guys punched and stomped a fucking mud hole in David’s stomach, back and head. By the time they were done, he was filthy on the outside and black, blue and bleeding on the inside. But he still had a throbbing, painful erection. One of those that lasts for four hours or more.

Finally, someone took pity on the Honey Bunny and called the cops. An ambulance soon showed up. They loaded David on the gurney, still in his bunny suit, still with his dick pointing north.

After treatment at the hospital, David suggested to the police that someone had slipped him a Viagra cocktail—most likely, Jackie.

Mr. Simons came by and picked up the filthy bunny suit and gave David a check for the entire day even though he only worked for four hours. David said that he wouldn’t be coming back.

He was lying in the bed looking at his check for one day’s pay. $63.26 after taxes. He’d be eligible for unemployment and maybe even disability. Not bad, he thought. He closed his eyes and adjusted his swollen package when there was a knock at his door. Juanita and Carla entered the room. Giggling, they closed and locked the door behind them.

Paul Greenberg says that he would actually take a “bunny suit” job if someone would just offer it to him. In the meantime, he’s writing and hanging around the local donut shop. You can read his other stories at outofthegutteronline.